Thinking Things Over

I am scared that who I am and who I've become is going to screw me out of going where I want to go and being who I want to be (and truly am). My whole life has been a bit troublesome. I've only realized how much so looking back from my adult life. I think I'm going to end up being punished for things that people I know consider no big deal. Because to me, they are and to the people that truly matter to me they are.

I don't want to go through the rest of my life settling for less or worse because I made mistakes and did things that I shouldn't have before they were even classified as wrong to me. I want to redeem myself and be a good person. I know that my past will always reflect a little on my present, but I want nothing more than the chance to prove that I'm a good person even so.

I have asked God for a lot of favors lately. I try not to ask for too many. It seems the one I pray for the most is to be "good". I also ask for God to do whatever he sees fit with my life, but please help me cope with whatever he throws at me. I think he is helping me gradually, but reminding me that I was a little badass for so long that I have a lot of making up to do.

Of course I pray for my friends too. I hope it helps. If my atheist friends read this they'd think I was nutty, but I really don't care anymore. After all, even if there were nothing, what's wrong with willing good things upon people or believing something is watching out for you? I have been in a spiritual slump more than once. Those were the most desperate times in my life. When I started asking for God's help and thanking him for what I had things got better. It could have been a coincidence (Though I don't believe it was) Or it could be the man upstairs looking out for me. Either way, I know I will never abandon my spirituality again for ANYBODY.

I have been blessed with some of the kindest, most caring friends and the most wonderful guy I could possibly have. I guess thats where my fears come from. Sometimes I think I'm not good enough for these people. One in particular, I'm afraid I will shame because of the way my life has gone. That's the last thing I want to do, but I won't give up on him because it's just too odd how we were brought together. Unless he's going to be taken away from me later (As a big big punishment for being a bad bad girl) I feel that the feelings we share were meant to be.

I probably shouldn't write too much about that. I have a feeling the "wrong" people are just waiting to get hold of my blog and chew me into little tiny pieces for writing out my feelings in a place where I can be identified. But you know what? I've been overcautious because of that very reason for years. I get tired of having to hide everything I feel. Hell, most of the people that will read this are total strangers or friends of friends. What do I REALLY have to hide?

I guess the worst thing that could happen is embarrassment. And I've come to learn some things about feelings like that. They never last *that* long and are never as bad as you think they will be. I guess I should remodel my life a little and start thinking of the things I want to say and do and analyze the repercussions to see which of those things could actually hurt me (Like bungee jumping) and which will temporarily sting (like getting laughed at for my opinion on something) I think if I could get that down I would have a happier life.

Another thing I'm trying to learn is how to close a blog post without being abrupt when I run out of things to write about... Like... now =P